Blah...or a day off when no one else has one!

Today is part of a long-weekend in Canada. It is a national holiday. Working for the Government of Canada means that I have the day off. This should be good n'est-ce pas? WRONG! Holidays are only good if you have plans or if you have other people to share them with.

Currently I am in the "Yippee...an extra day at home alone to obcess over all the things that you have done wrong in the last few weeks, clean (if the depression doesn't get you too down to move), get your finances in order or watch Trisha (which is rubbish version of Oprah in her 80s format)" stage of planning.

I am not saying that getting these things done won't benifit my life and make it less stressed... but mostly it is just a lonely day that I might otherwise have spent at work forgetting about the above and in anticipation of hanging out with my sweetheart.

I think I am still struggling to take in all the changes that have happened over the summer. I rarely get time off on my own and I guess the whole thing with my Mum dying this summer kind of rears its ugly head whenenver I have time to myself. It seems as though it has been go-go-go since then - somehow just not right. I didn't think the world would stop but I guess with the different passages and changes (some very beautiful - I married a wonderful man who I really love) I am still spinning.

I made a mistake and did not take the time needed when I could have to properly get myself sorted out and now there doesn't seem there is much to be done about it. I guess I will have to work on it quietly behind the scenes and take things slowly. Of late a lot of the things are getting on top of me. Things seem rushed and sort of just working out.

I guess what is going on is that I am so low right now I need a lot of reassurance - which must be driving everyone nuts. I mean I usually need quite a bit anyway (now there would be a good long post - why I am so insecure) but I think not having my Mum means that I feel a source of comfort and reassurance is gone... the irony of my sometimes complex relationship with her being a cause of some of the insecurity will not be lost on any of you who have heard me rant about it before. But I guess I feel a bit cut loose and that I am seeking reassurance all over to carry on right now - to prove to myself that it is not gone completely from the world.

So mostly I am feeling sorry for myself.

I also think that I am feeling the fall blues - I always loved going back to school, I really liked the sense of anticipation and renewal - like anything was possible and that a new page was being turned at the start of the school year. I especially loved getting a new jumper/sweater every year - so maybe that is what I need to shake myself out of my doldrums. That or I need to sign up for a course so that I feel like I am participating in some of the old autumn rituals that I love.

I am thinking kick-boxing - it will increase the endomorphins (happy juice) and reduce the stress and also make it so any new jumper I might buy will fit that much better! ;o)

In other good news I am actually getting somewhere with my exercise programme at the gym and on the bikes at the weekend. While this is not necessarily showing in terms of weight loss it is really revealing itself in my stamina - I am able to take on hills on the bike that I wouldn't have even tried before.

And to remind myself of something else pretty momentous in my life. I have four banners and 7 posters up in Trafalgar Square. This is pretty cool considering the fact that it is one of the biggest and most popular peices of real-estate in the world. So maybe what I need to do this month is bring myself down there whenever I feel bad and look at them and get reassurance from myself - remind myself that "here is tangable proof that you are creating things, existing, and prospering on your own two feet - working well at somethings and that the other stuff shouldn't be the focus!" <- The new tatoo I am getting!