First Christmas Without my Mother: New Year's Resolution

I have something horrible to admit. Mostly when I think of my Mother I feel relief at her passing.

My mother was ill for 21 years and so our family were basically in mourning for her from the first diagnosis to her last breath this summer. She suffered a lot from her illness. We all pretended this wasn't the case (because we were asked to) and acted like everything was ok - when a lot of the time it was f*cking awful.

In a situation like ours all family energy and focus is expended on pleasing the person who is ill and making their life comfortable and full. Very little of our time growing up was spent dealing with ourselves, our needs or celebrating rites of passage in our own lives - which while understandable was very difficult, sad and damaging to both my brother and I.

I have been feeling an almost strange calm regarding her passing. I think it is to do with the fact that now we don't need to pretend any longer and can admit her suffering is over. I have other feelings: anger, frustration and anxiety. I have behaviours: a trigger temper and excessive crying at sad stories. But really most of the time I am enjoying life as a newly-wed and am happy with the way my life is going.

It concerns me that I see my brother dealing with things differently - I read his blog or speak to him and see him feeling things I don't feel and wonder if I ever will.

Towards the end of my Mother's life she and I had made peace with our difficult relationship. Among other things my Mother was pretty focussed on herself (part of being an invalid or her natural personality?) so it was hard to get a look in when you needed something and most problems palled in comparison to hers. But after years of really unpleasant exchanges I realised that she was never going to be the source of my bliss - went about finding my own - and thus was able to begin to focus on the things that I did enjoy about her.

My mother was a strange woman from an even stranger family but she was a really great artist and this, I think, more than anything else is where we connected and found language where we neither resented each other nor competed.

I moved to England after spending a year or two living with my parents again. I finally broke free from a very unhealthy focus in my life and instead of obsessing about the inevitable death of my Mother got on with living my life. It wasn't easy at first to switch the focus from my parents to my partner...and I missed the connection horribly. What is wonderful is that I managed to sever this unhealthy connection in her lifetime - which meant that it was not the trauma of her death which accomplished this but a natural movement towards my own life and goals.

I think that my anger is the natural response to the resentment I feel and have always felt at how my brother and I were rarely, if ever, the focus of the family (as children should be some of the time). I mourn still for the way I constantly felt like my feelings and needs were not important when compared to my mother's illness - and the fact that some pretty terrible things happened to my brother and I because our parents never had time and took their eye off the ball. I love both my parents and know they did the best they could with what they had under the circumstances - but also feel angry that I am not even allowed to blame them and say that this excuse is not good enough.

After writing this I have decided on a New Year's resolution: I will not let another calendar year see me hold on to these feelings and will get the help I need to move past these long-held feelings. I will not drag these feelings with me into my new relationship with my husband and will not burden any children I have with these feelings of ambivalence. I will look to the future and start all of my relationships with the ones I love fresh this year.

Christmas Holiday Wrap-up

As my husband and I have done for the last few years, we spent our Christmas holidays in Montreal where I am originally from. When we go we stay at my parents’ house. To recap from earlier news - my mother died earlier this year and so we are now staying at my father's house.

Before flying out to Montreal I have to admit to not having a great feeling of Christmas spirit in me...I had finished all the shopping and had attended all of the parties (working in Government means there are quite a few) but still was feeling a big bit of nothing inside.

This year I did well on gift purchase for everyone but my husband. I love that man but he doesn't half make it difficult to buy for him. He never says anything but I draw my own conclusions from his discomfiture at receiving gifts. So for some reason I was tempted into a Jamie Oliver (aka the Naked Chef) type of theme and got him some very swanky stuff from a very posh cookery school/store - which upon receiving he made fun of and has yet to stop...oh well at least he liked his DVDs of Season 1 and 2 of Little Britain! Sigh!

After packing one whole case of gifts to bring over to Canada and a huge case with both my husband and my clothing I was not feeling any more Christmassy than before - add to that the fact of a ridiculous 29" round shower curtain in a 34" square box and you can imagine how the airport journey and customs experience might play out.

Montreal: or "I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas" portion of the show

The one thing I really wanted - after running around an extremely green London England in the month of December - was snow. I kept repeating to all and sundry that I missed snow...well someone up there lent an ear and the day we were to fly a record amount fell in one day - so upon arrival the city was wearing a glorious sparkling mantle of white. Glorious!

Shopping for all my Dad's presents did not fall under the glorious category - three full days of dragging my Father and husband around the malls made for some less than relaxing moments - but finally everything was done (the funny bits were brought to you by the combination of my Dad who buys everyone the same dollar amounts (to the penny) and my husband who was being awkward about receiving any gifts and thus not helping to select anything over the 5 dollar amount - imagine trying to buy him 200$ worth of items at that rate!)

Darren (of "my husband" fame) and I finally got to have a visit with non-family members the day before we left - we went to the museum and then to a pub with my closest friend and her husband. It was interesting to hear from someone else how their Christmas went. She said that she has started to rethink the Christmas visit (she more than most has reason - two kids a giant dog and a six hour drive to get them home to become the shuttle bus service between grandparents houses for their kids) and I must admit that we are doing the same.

We really enjoyed the time we spent with my brother and his family. My nephew was the absolute antidote we all needed to the blues which might have overwhelmed us all this first Christmas without my mother. He is a lovely person and so happy and well rounded that it is pure joy to be around him. The most beautiful thing to see is how Cameron and Christine are with Lucas - when parenting is done right it is such a tender and beautiful thing and makes anyone watching proud to be around...even if the person watching is a bit biased as a sister and aunt! While Darren and Cameron were off getting curry for our dinner (my nephew needed onion badgie really badly apparently!) I had a great talk with my sister-in-law (Christine) and realised why I miss being closer to them - put the icing on the cake for my holiday! She is someone I really love.

So now that we are back in the UK - having slept about 22 of the last 48 I am feeling pretty content with my lot and happy that we had such a good time. Oh and the cat is really happy to see us - meowing to beat the band and cuddly like you can't imagine - I am almost up for going back to work tomorrow! Well maybe not! LOL!