Today is brought to you by the letter "H" for "Happy"

Above are a couple of pictures of my wedding day on June 18th of this year. My husband and I had already been married at the hospital on the 15th so that my Mother (who died the 16th) could witness it.

You may ask yourself about the title of today's blog. You may think that under the circumstances I shouldn't be able to think happy thoughts about my wedding without feeling sad ones about my Mum's death. You would be wrong.

I am deeply saddened by my mother's absence from my life. The poignancy of a day like my church wedding was made by her not being there. It underlined for me that she will not be there for many such occasions. It also underlined for me the fact that many similar occasions in my family's past had been tinged with sadness because of her cancer or her inability to participate fully in an event.

Mourning is a strange process. It is like oil on water, spreading itself over the surface of otherwise beautiful things.

After my mother died I had difficulty in separating out the beautiful things that had happened on the day that we married in the church. To celebrate the little victories and special moments of the day felt like picking birds out of an oil-spill in the ocean - beautiful and vital underneath but coated in the tar that is having a member of your family die after many years of suffering with cancer (21 years).

Initially, I couldn't even look at the wedding photographs. I struggled with the thank you notes because, in addition to the wedding gifts, I felt that I should somehow mention how kind each person had been about the death of my mother. My husband, quite rightly, pointed out that this was not appropriate. This was the first stage of separating the two events.

So today, when I was giving some images to a colleague who writes the in-house newsletter to go with an article announcing my marriage, was one of the first times I have looked at the pictures of our day.

Darren looks handsome, I actually think I look decent in a photograph (for once), and what I see when I look at the pictures is my loved ones all around me; laughing (as they should) and sharing in the joy of our celebration. I am able to remember that our wedding day was really perfect. Most of all I see us. Darren and I.

The honeymoon has finally begun!

So let me sing it: "Oh Happy Day!"

I don wanna work I just want to blog on net all day!

Yes it is Friday and I am actually looking forward to meeting up with my husband tonight...I put on a nice skirt (as opposed to the usual grubbies of a Friday) and even have matching knickers and bra on!

Let's hope that we don't do the usual = go home watch Stargate Atlantis and have him say: "What?" to me when I look at him crossly because my definition of meeting up doesn't mean catching the train and watching him do Sodukos all the way to Sutton!

I feel much more romantic and excited about our relationship these days - I guess I am getting out of my funk that I was in over the summer after my Mum died. I am a newlywed! How cool! Started admiring my rings for the first time - so the level of soppy pathecticness is on the rise...and I am going to wallow in it!

Tunisian stamp in my passport

Back one day from my sunny holiday in Tunisia. Yes I now have a stamp in Arabic from Africa on my passport...How cool is that for a girl from little-old Dorval?

Tunisia thoughts:

What an odd experience it is to be in a tourist area where it is almost as though you are segregated from the population of the country - no wonder the buses get dirty looks as you drive through the Tunisian neighborhoods.

The hotel, while not being 4 star by our standards, was an absolute palace compared to the neighborhoods we passed through in the airconditioned coach.

We went into the Medina (or walled city) and had a wander round. There were the usual tourist shops, selling all sorts of interesting ethnic and artisanal things, along with some very odd things (tortoises, cameleons, snakes, lizards) and in some of the sections (clearly geared towards Tunisians) they were selling chickens and roosters in cages, a little man - who obviously lived under his stall - was selling dilapidated shoes, and a tiny lady with crooked legs and teeth with loads of wrinkles was selling an odd assortment of cleaning cloths.

The weirdest thing that we saw was when we took a wrong turn into the red light district. In the Medina (to the left of the police station) you walk past two walls down streets past a row of houses where the women are sitting on the front stairs or where they are dancing partially naked (bottom-half) up the steps in doorways. At first I didn't realise what I was seeing - "strange...That Tunisian lady is sitting outside her house in a slip, oh...I get it...The lady with the loud music is dancing with just a very short t-shirt on...hmmm....this could be the red-light district of Sousse". To understand when you feel odd about this is that the streets of the Medina are often no wider than 2-3 feet - you get very up-close and personal.

What was really odd is that none of the western couples who had also taken a wrong turn let us know that the entire area was walled in except for the one entrance and so it was an old toothless gentleman sitting on a wall who told us we had to go back the way we came - embarrassed much? Never! It was sad to realise that they were working only with the locals and in likelihood making next to nothing for their trouble.

Tunisia the hotel/tourist experience:

Once you get past the fact that you will tip for virtually everything in this country and that you might actually manage never to meet a Tunisian beyond the hotel staff with very little effort you settle in to being pampered.

The service is lavish, old-fashioned and kind of confused (think Manuel a la Fawlty Towers). Those working in the hotels treat you very differently than the average citizen might. In fact those in the hotels will make sure that you will not come in contact with any of the citizens apart from them if at all possible. There is a no Tunisian in the hotels unless they are working un-written rule. If you are on the beach you will not get bothered by any men because the sleepy guy who puts out the mattresses for you is actually also a pretty mean security guard who shoos any of the vendors who approach you on the beach that they don't like the looks of.

The physical beauty of Tunisia is overwhelming. It is so different from what you are used to in Europe and North-America that you are not completely prepared for it. Flowers in abundance, all manner of palm-trees, the grounds of the hotel are full of as many varieties of plants as you can imagine. At first the architecture seems like a tourist cliche when you see the Arabic styles at the hotel and the sheer ostentation of the lobbies - but going into a wealthier nearby neighborhood of Hammam Sousse you see that it is common. Marble and tile are everywhere and on every surface. The pools at the hotel are set in the garden and really are breath-taking.

You will tan. No matter how much you try to avoid it. In one week I managed to get the equivalent of an entire summer in Canada. It is hot.

One week is not enough to do any real sight-seeing so my husband and I gave up and mostly stayed on the beach or by the pool with evenings at his Mum's fledgling bar in Montazar el Kantaoui called The Full English.

I have to admit that after all the emotions of the summer it was a real treat to play with my husband rather than do administrative things or be sad about anything - it was really like the honeymoon we should have had.

Don't buy carpets from strange men!
Fatima's hand is everywhere on everything and they will try to sell it to you (I got a keychain!).

While I have left Tunisia it has not left my tummy...hope that finishes soon I am tired from walking back and forth to the loo!!

Overall it made me relaxed and brown and appreciative of what I have personnally, spiritually and financially in my life.

Good outfits - how they can really make you perky

I am wearing my favourite outfit today. Everytime I wear it I feel good. I know this is a shallow thing to say but I can't help it. Every day of the work week I wake up and think: "Should I wear my linen skirt with that really nice cardigan?" and I decide if I am feeling down enough that I want to be wearing it.

I will admit that sometimes I wear the outfit when it is a good day or just when I am tired and can't think of anything else - but I always feel much better for it...it is all easter jellybean colours and just makes me feel that much more sunny.

Now all I have to do to make my outfit bliss complete is paint my nails and toe-nails!

Blah...or a day off when no one else has one!

Today is part of a long-weekend in Canada. It is a national holiday. Working for the Government of Canada means that I have the day off. This should be good n'est-ce pas? WRONG! Holidays are only good if you have plans or if you have other people to share them with.

Currently I am in the "Yippee...an extra day at home alone to obcess over all the things that you have done wrong in the last few weeks, clean (if the depression doesn't get you too down to move), get your finances in order or watch Trisha (which is rubbish version of Oprah in her 80s format)" stage of planning.

I am not saying that getting these things done won't benifit my life and make it less stressed... but mostly it is just a lonely day that I might otherwise have spent at work forgetting about the above and in anticipation of hanging out with my sweetheart.

I think I am still struggling to take in all the changes that have happened over the summer. I rarely get time off on my own and I guess the whole thing with my Mum dying this summer kind of rears its ugly head whenenver I have time to myself. It seems as though it has been go-go-go since then - somehow just not right. I didn't think the world would stop but I guess with the different passages and changes (some very beautiful - I married a wonderful man who I really love) I am still spinning.

I made a mistake and did not take the time needed when I could have to properly get myself sorted out and now there doesn't seem there is much to be done about it. I guess I will have to work on it quietly behind the scenes and take things slowly. Of late a lot of the things are getting on top of me. Things seem rushed and sort of just working out.

I guess what is going on is that I am so low right now I need a lot of reassurance - which must be driving everyone nuts. I mean I usually need quite a bit anyway (now there would be a good long post - why I am so insecure) but I think not having my Mum means that I feel a source of comfort and reassurance is gone... the irony of my sometimes complex relationship with her being a cause of some of the insecurity will not be lost on any of you who have heard me rant about it before. But I guess I feel a bit cut loose and that I am seeking reassurance all over to carry on right now - to prove to myself that it is not gone completely from the world.

So mostly I am feeling sorry for myself.

I also think that I am feeling the fall blues - I always loved going back to school, I really liked the sense of anticipation and renewal - like anything was possible and that a new page was being turned at the start of the school year. I especially loved getting a new jumper/sweater every year - so maybe that is what I need to shake myself out of my doldrums. That or I need to sign up for a course so that I feel like I am participating in some of the old autumn rituals that I love.

I am thinking kick-boxing - it will increase the endomorphins (happy juice) and reduce the stress and also make it so any new jumper I might buy will fit that much better! ;o)

In other good news I am actually getting somewhere with my exercise programme at the gym and on the bikes at the weekend. While this is not necessarily showing in terms of weight loss it is really revealing itself in my stamina - I am able to take on hills on the bike that I wouldn't have even tried before.

And to remind myself of something else pretty momentous in my life. I have four banners and 7 posters up in Trafalgar Square. This is pretty cool considering the fact that it is one of the biggest and most popular peices of real-estate in the world. So maybe what I need to do this month is bring myself down there whenever I feel bad and look at them and get reassurance from myself - remind myself that "here is tangable proof that you are creating things, existing, and prospering on your own two feet - working well at somethings and that the other stuff shouldn't be the focus!" <- The new tatoo I am getting!

Camping and yes....more love for the bikes!

We went on our camping trip last weekend and between the mounds of laundry and kit that need putting away and the fact that they are actually insisting that I do some work at work - well you can guess why Thursday is the day of updates!

Darren and I discovered a whole new level of silliness/intimacy together on our trip - yes farting in the tent can bring you closer!

The campsite was kind of different to what I am used to - being from big old NA (North America) I am used to huge open spaces ::::hum "Don't Fence Me In" along with me now!::::: and that is something you won't get at a European campsite. That being said you won't get wild ponies or cattle roaming in groups (3-4) on your site in NA so I guess we're even.

We had planned on getting some serious biking in - and were not dissappointed...the weather cooperated and we had 10 hours in two days of very good biking. The only mistake we made was deciding that we could bring groceries (including 9 large cans of lager)...hmmm why would my husbands back ache with that in the rucksack!?!

At one point we were feeling somewhat intimidated by the highly equiped lot surrouding us then two VERY LARGE individuals arrived in a tiny little car and took out a tiny little tent (literally big enough to put a beach towel in) so we felt that in fact ours was truly palatial! We still could have done with a dish towel though...so size doesn't matter but stuff does!!!

I got a sunburn on my head that is in the shape of my helmet...I look silly!

My bike is soo cool...am getting to the point where I don't have to be on the brakes as I wiz down hills! It is really fun to go as fast as cars. They say you don't forget how to ride a bike...but you do get more cautious. I'll bet everyone remembers the terrible wrecks that we would all get into on our bikes (no helmets it was the 70s/80s)...in the meantime you grew up and realised that you need all of your limbs to work and that you probably shouldn't be using your skull as a helmet...no matter how thick your partner tells you it is when you fight!